In my opening episode I explain what life was like up until the age of 8 or 9 when my parents became Jehovah’s Witnesses. In order to understand how much life changed, it can help to understand where I came from.
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[00:00:01] There are over eight million Jehovah’s Witnesses Jay Dub’s or J-ws worldwide. I wasn’t born one was introduced to it around the age of eight or 9 and would spend the next three decades trying to process what I had unwittingly become involved in ultimately leaving and costing me dearly. This J.W. life is my response to the encouragement I’ve received to write a book about my life. In my story you’re going to learn about this called and why refer to it as such rather than as a religion. You’re going to see how I went from suicidal an incredibly anxious to free and happy. Why I put on 50 pounds and how I took it off while my wife and I owed the IRS fifty five thousand dollars and how we paid that off in 18 months. And while that wasn’t even the biggest win to come from that time there are lessons to be learned here whether you’re in a cult or you’re just your average person living life for the SJ doves out there. I hope you find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and maybe this helps you process your own pain for those who have family that are Jehovah’s Witnesses. I hope this gives you a glimpse into what they’re both involved in and up against. For those that have no ties I hope this broaden your horizons maybe sheds light on the human experience a little. And if there are any current Jehovah’s Witnesses that listen I hope this gives you something you need for wherever you are now in your journey. But in the end I hope you find happiness and peace.
[00:01:24] You’ve been through a lot and you deserve it. I’m not a professional producer. I’m a professional housecleaner. You’ll find out why that is. And as well as how it is possible even to save my life later I’m recording this as a podcast as a fitting way of telling my story as it was podcasts and audio books that helped me awaken to the realities of the life I was given as a child and that I tried to live up to for decades including as an adult.
[00:01:54] So today we’re going to talk about my childhood before my family became Jehovah’s Witnesses up until I was around the age of eight. I’ll give you a warning up front this part of my life is a collection of somewhat disconnected memories and this feels a little bit choppy in places. That’s why it’s kind of hard to remember that far back. And at this point in my life it’s not like I have family to to help build a story around. So it will hopefully become more conversational as we get into more solid memories. But this first part is important. It shows what life was like for me in the beginning of my life. Maybe some of you will find a throwback in here for something you remember as a kid. In the end you can’t appreciate the change in my life without first knowing what it started out to be. So you know as a kid started out normally. I was a little boy. I like Spiderman. I like the Incredible Hulk. I remember watching Dukes of Hazzard and playing with my GI Joes. I had a few friends that I remember going to their house and playing with some kids probably from school. I can remember going over their houses and playing although I love toys all I actually ever needed in my life was a ball to give me a ball so it against something. I’ll roll it though to myself I could play all day. That’s all I ever needed. And sports were a huge thing to me.
[00:03:17] We lived in the same neighborhood as my grandparents probably maybe two three blocks away. So there were. We were a pretty close family. We could just walk over there at any time if we wanted. I remember holidays I remember going trick or treating in my neighborhood. I have no idea. Cannot tell you what I dressed like. But whatever it was it was fun. I remember getting buckets full of candy and who doesn’t like that Thanksgiving was another holiday that I remember being a lot of fun. We would go to my uncle and aunts house on my dad’s side. And you know obviously the family would come. I even had a grandma who lived in Georgia. We called her granny and we’d eat and watch football play outside with my cousins. It was a good time. For Christmas we go to my grandparents house on my mom’s side. I remember they give us catalogs when we were little and we were supposed to go through them and you know look at toys and circle whatever it was. I guess I don’t know if I believed in Santa. I guess I did. So whatever we want to Santa to bring I guess he shopped at Service Merchandise. So we’d circle those and you know see what he would get.
[00:04:33] I remember that when we went over to their house there was lots of good food and cookies and sweets always had a sweet tea. Those who know me know that.
[00:04:44] So we would go over there. My aunt and uncle on that side of the family would be there and their kids and they would come all the way down from Michigan and it was just it was just fun to have family. I think there were some other people who would show up maybe some first cousins or something at different times of my life. I can’t remember but that’s I never really had I guess much of a connection before. We were kind of kind of left our families behind a little bit. Anyway I remember Saturday morning cartoons I remember getting up watching cartoons without a care in the world. Saturday morning cartoons were awesome. I remember coming home from school and there were cartoons I remember. I think there were those after school specials. I probably watched those as well. At the house that we lived in we had a creek behind it. Go back there and play a lot of times like any kids you know. I always wonder what was in the holes around the creek and I’m sure I stuck sticks in there and who knows what I bothered doing. I remember that I had a sandbox the sandbox was awesome. What kid doesn’t love that. I remember one time obviously I was playing with the ball in the backyard it rolled next to a tree and there was a garter snake wrapped around the tree and of course I reached down for the ball saw the snake and thought I was going to die.
[00:06:11] Who does it. It’s a snake.
[00:06:14] We had a dog named is a collie. For some reason we gave him away. All I remember is that he he liked to eat the backyard. And so our grass soon became a bit. Life was awesome. The only thing that that really created a change in our life was my dad and his job prospects. He never was the kind of person who could really go out and get a job. He always struggled with that. Someone found him a job he would do it. He loved he would go work. He was a hard worker and an honest guy but he wasn’t exactly what one would define as a go getter. So he worked at Brown and Williamson here in Louisville Kentucky had apparently that was a really good place to work when the company moved to Georgia. His mom worked there. So I don’t know. I’m assuming that had some influence in how he got the job in the first place given his track record in the future. But anyway so the company moved. He chose not to move with it. I think he married my mom at that time and stayed here and so what started as a good job to kind of change because when that company left. All I know is that he bounced around a little bit. He worked at U.P.S. for a while worked at General Electric which was a pretty good job but they laid him off. And so ultimately being laid off from these jobs. There was a time at which we had to. We had to make a change.
[00:07:54] The finances just won’t allow us to continue living there. So we moved in the middle of the school year. I was about seven years old. So that would have been the second grade. I remember when we moved to the new school I remember a teacher leading me down the what seemed like cavernous court or two to my new class.
[00:08:19] I had to be taken in front of the class and introduced everybody and I just wanted to disappear and die. I’ve always I’ve not I’m not a person who likes to be in front of a lot of people. I am not an extrovert by any means. So actually me just doing this is kind of out of the ordinary for me. I’m trying to push myself to do something new here despite you know you know the second great change you know that was nothing compared to what was about to happen in my life. For one thing I remember our new house had some issues I think unbeknownst to my parents our new house was infested with roaches. We had a neighbor who on one side of us who don’t know his backyard was kind of horny. There were a lot of TV parts and appliances and things back there and it wasn’t the greatest. I don’t know if that helped lead to the infestations that probably went through our whole neighborhood or if it was just the fact that we had old houses. But regardless I remember the roaches I remember laying there at night watching roaches crawl on the wall and hoping that they wouldn’t come visit me on my bed. I remember my mom would go and get this. I don’t know some sort of Wiccan chemical stuff to try to deal with. I remember the term German roaches being thrown around. So maybe that’s what we had.
[00:09:48] But I know that once the chemical is put down we had mutated disgusting terrifying roaches that kind of kind of upped the ante and raised it to the next level. Ultimately that problem was that pest was eradicated and we moved on. Apparently I’ve been told by my parents that there was a story where I kept telling them there was something in my bed and I’m sure they thought it was a monster like you know all kids have little little dreams about those kinds of things or nightmares. But once they found the mouse droppings they realized there was actually a problem. So that that was another problem how sad. And then her problem also had cave crickets. And if you don’t know what they are they also think they’re called camelback crickets. They’re disgusting huge crickets with giant back legs that look like spiders. And I don’t like spiders either but we didn’t have a problem with those. We just had the cave crickets. So those kind of things were kind of scarring to me as a kid. There was a lot changing you know we’ve gone from house in a nicer neighborhood to now a house and not so great a neighborhood. And you know a new school there was all that going on. But as I was reflecting on this. I kind of came to realize that. So in the third grade I almost failed. I had all my work done. I found it at the end of the here in my school desk clearly wasn’t an organized kid. I don’t know you know I had always made decent grades before then so maybe it was just to change it moving and everything. But I also realized that it was around that time.
[00:11:38] That’s my mom I think of course again I can’t go back and ask I’m trying to develop a time line now here in retrospect but I believe this was around the time that my mom started studying the Bible.
[00:11:55] Well they say studying the Bible but it’s really studying one of Jehovah’s Witnesses publications a book that they’ve produced. They are the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York. So they they were a publishing company and one of the books they published at the time was used to study the Bible as they had picked verses to study to fit their narrative of course. So anyway my mom started studying with the lady next door because yes as if the rest of the stuff wasn’t bad enough. We moved in next to Jehovah’s Witnesses and so there was a family next door. The mom next door and my mom became fast friends. They would talk about life or whatever my mom always had lots of Bible questions. She had a brother has a brother that is a Baptist minister I believe went through the seminary and I don’t think he could ever quite answer her questions. And Jehovah’s Witnesses or at least not to her satisfaction Jehovah’s Witnesses though have an answer for everything.
[00:13:08] Now the answer just having an answer doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a correct answer. But they have an answer for just about anything you can ask. They have some way to make it fit into their narrative so it would have been likely around that time. Things are really changing. It would just been me and I have one younger brother at the time he was three and a half four years younger than I. So I was around you know between eight and nine.
[00:13:40] And when my mom probably started studying and you know I don’t I think in retrospect I don’t believe it was just a coincidence that my grades suffered so bad that year because you know it’s not like not only were we in this new situation and my mom was studying but that means she was also taking us to meetings as a Jehovah’s Witness at least at that time you would go to meetings Tuesday night for an hour Thursday night for two hours and then Sunday for two hours in the morning. So you know there was a time commitment right off the bat and that that time commitment would grow. I’ll get into that later in later years. But you know that’s that’s a lot for a kid.
[00:14:25] And and along with that there would have been other changes so I don’t know exactly when but at some point my mom was no longer wanting to do the holidays. So you know because if you know Jehovah’s Witnesses one thing most people know about them is you’re not going to see them celebrating Christmas or birthdays or anything. They just they don’t celebrate anything day. They see it all as pagan and therefore they believe it’s not what God would want for them. At first my dad was not interested in that life. My mom would go to the meetings. I’m pretty sure she would take us. I don’t know if she took us to some or all but it took my dad about a year to kind of come around and start wondering what it is that my mom was involved in.
[00:15:22] Again I believe I can’t confirm but I think that the first thing my dad ever went to was a district convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses where my mom was baptized. So just to explain that a little bit when you study with one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and they have a book that you’re going to study through at the end of that book you should have enough knowledge to essentially become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They want to make sure that you have brought your life into correspondence with their values you need to. You can’t be living whatever they would deem an immoral life. So if you’re living an upright life as they see it and if you have the head knowledge from these books you can go through another book with a series of three elders. The elders are the group of men who lead each individual congregation and three of those will sit sit down with you at different times and kind of ask you questions you’ll answer them. They’re kind of evaluating where you are in life if they feel that you’re ready they will allow you to become baptizes one of Jehovah’s Witnesses those baptisms are held at the assemblies or conventions of Jehovah’s Witnesses. And as far as that goes there are two assemblies a year one in the spring one in the fall typically there’s a special day a one day in the spring and a two day circuit assembly in the fall. Then during the summer is when they typically have their district conventions. So these are the district is a is a huge group of an area a region as they call it today. Regional conventions.
[00:17:10] And so you know back back in the day the reasons were much bigger and you go to. Well we would go to a Freedom Hall in Louisville Kentucky and there’d be how.
[00:17:22] I’m thinking 12000 but I may be mistaken. Maybe I’m more like eight. I’m thinking it was about 12000 people. And so the first thing that my dad went to was a big deal from my mom to get baptized. This is a big step that she was taking to become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses officially. And I think my dad saw that as a time where you know this is this is getting real and I want to jump in there and find out what this is.
[00:17:49] So he did that. It wasn’t too long after that there was a very nice charismatic brother in the congregation who kind of took my dad under his wing. He studied with my dad.
[00:18:01] And I think the next year my dad got baptized so so it didn’t take too long. You know we’re talking maybe a year or two if memory serves. For my parents to become a full fledged Jehovah’s Witnesses and at that point there were definitely be no more holidays.
[00:18:24] I can still remember my last Christmas I remember my mom sitting me down and telling me you know we weren’t going to do this anymore.
[00:18:32] I can’t remember exactly but I’m sure I wasn’t too pleased with that. That prospect that it was I was told what all Jehovah’s Witness kids are told.
[00:18:43] There’s a theme that is that is often used and that is that as a child of Jehovah’s witnesses you know we don’t need those those holidays to celebrate or to give gifts.
[00:18:58] You know essentially those holidays people just have to give gifts. It’s not real. Nobody
[00:19:03] really likes it. We can give you gifts all the time and from the heart. Oh give you. I’ll let you place a wager on how much celebration and gift giving there is in the average Jehovah’s Witness family compared to you know the celebrations that are set out that everyone participates in in the world in general. I don’t know I can’t speak for all families but I didn’t have a lot of friends as a kid. As one of Jehovah’s Witnesses who were receiving a whole lot of gifts or celebrating much of anything. So anyway life changed a lot.
[00:19:48] That’s kind of the I guess the nexus of the beginning of my life. How it started it started out like I would assume any other kids. And then you know all it took was a chance move by parents you know had a financial reversal as far as I could tell. And the next thing you know we’re moving and we just happen to out of all the human beings on this earth move in next door to one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and things started to change.
[00:20:21] So in the next episode I’m going to talk about how my life changed. Aside from you know a few little things I’ve mentioned already what it’s like for a young child growing up in this cult. What it’s like for them when they go to school. What it’s like at home.
[00:20:40] This is this is not just a religion that you put on when you go to church. This is a life and it encompasses everything you do. It encompasses the way you think the way you feel the way you act. It is everything.
[00:20:58] So I really do appreciate you listening. If you like this or think that it might help somebody else please subscribe so that you can get each episode as they come out and tell others about this. I’m putting this out into the world to be of help and it’s not going to help anybody obviously. People don’t spread the word. I don’t have a big podcast network behind me. I don’t have the cache of Leah Remini. That allowed her to do a series on Scientology. I’m just a guy that lived a certain life that wants to expose what literally millions of other people around the world have gone through. There are over eight million Jehovah’s Witnesses and scores of ex Jehovah’s Witnesses out there. There are millions more that have family or friends that are Jehovah’s Witnesses that they might be concerned about. Take this to them so that they can see what it’s like. And if nothing else maybe it just helps somebody to feel less alone. Visit my site at w w dot this J-ws life dot com if you want to discuss this further. I’ll even post some pics and other information there that will add to the story if you like. If you look now you’ll find some of my childhood before things changed. Some pictures from that there will be a place to comment below each episode that I put out so there can be a discussion. Ask questions give suggestions or if you want just say hi I might answer them on another podcast or maybe have fun you know.
[00:22:20] Of course I’ll engage in the discussion there but maybe there’s something that can help me to even change this podcast to make it better. Remember that others are fighting things that you might not realize and give them the benefit of the doubt. Love others do no harm and go be happy.
This is very awesome and kind for you to share. It’s appreciated. Now I’ll confess. The email I listed is not mine. It’s made up. Just wasn’t ready to share it but there’s no intent to deceive. Meant so much to me to let you know how much your podcast was enjoyed, that I just made up an email. Thank you!
Thanks for the kind comment and taking the time to do so. I’m not sure why the software asks for an email anyway, it’s not like I’m going to email you, but it may help prevent spam. Regardless, your comment means a lot to me!. I look forward to putting out another episode this week.
Hello. I enjoyed your episode 1. I was born in as a JW in 1952. My mother was a JW. My father never was. I lived in a divided household. But I had to go to all the meetings. And listen to all the BS. I escaped several years after 1975. 1983 to be exact. It took me a while to figure out how to escape. There was no internet back then. And if you went to a book store there would be maybe 1 or 2 books on cults and only a shelf of religious books. Looking forward to the next episode.
Hi James! Thanks for sharing some of your story. I love that others have shared some of their lives with me, as I have with them.
Anecdotally, it seems that people that grow up JWs in a divided household have a better chance of making it out with less damage. They seem to get to ride a line between two worlds that has them better prepared to leave. I’m sure that doesn’t always prove true though.
Oh wow, you survived ’75. That must have been a crazy time. I’ve read a lot of accounts. Like you said, back then you didn’t have the wealth of information at your fingertips that is available now. I hope that by sharing my story, I’m adding to that wealth, and hopefully more make it out. The growth of Jehovah’s Witnesses seems to concentrate more now in undeveloped countries where the information isn’t quite so readily available yet. The internet has proved to be so helpful. It was a huge lifeline for me. I can remember the first time I visited an “apostate” site. I was so ready to find crazy people that were “mentally diseased”, but instead I found people that saw the same things that I did. I knew then that I wasn’t crazy.
Thanks for listening! I hope these episodes help you in some way.
Not only did I watch Dukes of Hazards but I had a Dukes of Hazards lunchbox in grade school!
Nice job on the pod so far.
Haha, I’m a little jealous there. I have to say though, I had a pretty cool Star Wars lunchbox before we were JWs. My wife and I clean for a living, and we were actually cleaning a house two weeks ago and saw an old Star Wars lunchbox just like the one I had as a kid. I took pics to remember it by.
Glad you like the podcast!
Sarah and I listened to all four episodes this weekend. Very well done. The overarching feeling I’m left with is that it must be hell to be a thinking person trapped in a religion (and I think there are several) where thinking is discouraged.
As you know we’re glad you got out and we both view you two as very enlightened people. We’re also glad you two made the journey together.
Did you ever see the movie Logan’s Run? I’m now thinking Mike’s Run!
I’m so glad that you two were able to listen! That means a lot. Yes, it is hell, on a level to be a thinking person trapped in something like this. The only thing that prevents it from being as hellish as it could be is the FOG that I discuss in episode 5. It has a way of shutting down your brain. In fact, I mention two thought stopping techniques that were given to us to shut down independent thought. I’ve known people that had to stop reading certain blogs because they made them start questioning things, so they stopped reading lest they see through that FOG.
We’re glad, and lucky, that we made the journey together too. 🙂
I’ve never seen that movie, but maybe now I should.
Wow!! I just can’t believe HOW I even stumbled upon this!! I am writing a fiction novel right now… Every now and again, I trip and “stub my toe” … That is what I call it. Landing on my face because I once again, was to gullible, to trusting. Or I get my feelings really hurt bad when I see the LACK of humanity all around me. I had a trip and “stubbed my toe” moments last night while I was trying to write my next chapter. I usually go on a rant. Winding down the old road of “WHY am I like THIS? WHY do I expect SO much more from people??” only to smack into that wall I like to forget. That dilapidated wall that is the remnant that remains of my foundation. “Oh right… There IS NO PARADISE earth. The world is NOT filled with ONLY those who are “GOOD and KIND” hmm!” I was born.. In 1976. I was SUPPOSE to be born in “Paradise” and well… Quite frankly, “Just a little while longer” never CAME. But my GRANDPARENTS on my mothers side were JW’s forever as far as I was aware. My grandfather was always an Elder as far as I knew. For me there was no BEFORE. It just always was. My mother was born into the “secret society” “cult” just doesn’t give it the full body flavor I experienced. Cult doesn’t feel big or ominous enough for my hell… Anyway… Even though “it never came”I guess somewhere in my mind all of that intense brain washing conditioned me to EXPECT paradise. Dress the part until it DOES! Was my mothers rebuttal no my much to her disdain “FAITHLESS Never ending questions” (I got beat quite a lot fir being born to inquisitive) So maybe that is why I STILL can hunt the BETTER qualities of every person out, I was trained in the art of manipulation frim the time I could gurgle. I was trained to thoroughly manipulate FIRST and FOREMOST MYSELF. I was not good enough on my own. If I do not 100% believe in it, I CAN’T sell or push it on others. So my mother taught me for as long as I can remember to lie to MYSELF first. Convince ME to believe somehow so I could go out there “her perfect little drone protogè” draggingin recruits for Jehovah and the new system that never came.
Hello!
You just stumbled upon something that now is closing in on 17,000 downloads. I never expected my story to take off like that. I’m glad that you like it and hope that listening through the 9 part journey helps you to process some of what you went through. We were all taught how to manipulate ourselves and it was so detrimental. None of us were very authentic because we were all playing the game, and most of us never knew who the authentic us was anyway.
Enjoy the series!
Mike
Thank you Mike. I know it will take me a while to get through the entire series. Also Yes.. I just stumbled upon it even though it has so many downloads (just recently) I personally believe because that huge chunk of my life, the first 18 years of it I look back now… OVER 20 years have passed and STILL… STILL I have not integrated or assimilated into “normal” society. I feel that life is passing me by and I’ll never figure out how to be “Part of the WORLD” i WANT to be part of it. I live vicariously through my children’s eyes as they are all successful adults that are part of this world… They do not (thank goodness) understand why I feel like such a pariah. I am tired of being traumatized. I try to take bigger bites of the past to digest the bullshit faster, but it is so SICKENING that I end up throwing it up and find I have to return to the tiny bites just to get through it all. Does that make sense to you? I can’t overwhelm my senses with it all… If I do it may be to much. If it becomes to much… I don’t know how well I’ll cope. I need a balance of LOTS of sweet to intake small bites of the bitterness.
It makes sense to me. People process and tolerate things differently. For me, I had to immerse myself in it totally and process things by going through them and hurting and feeling it all at once to get through it as quickly as possible. That’s just my personal style. For others, they need to go through things at a different pace. How do you remove a band-aid? However it suits you. We all have varying levels of trauma coming out of it all. You do you, go at your pace, and find freedom and happiness on your terms.
Thanks… I really HOPE that I can. I have tried to pull the bandaide off “get it over with” quick style! For about 1 year I thought I was DONE with it! I feel stained in a way that seems that LIFE won’t even allow me TRUE escape from that hell. I am beginning to believe that this IS HELL. What better way to torment a soul, than to have “new revelations” to a thing they believed they put behind them? Like Groundhog day of the WORST day of your life. You wake up GLAD it is over, just to realize IT IS NOT over. Worse, you KNOW what dread you will experience. Yet no matter what you can NOT stop it. Forced to relive different versions of it over and over in an infinite loop! Shit I think I WISH HELL was just having to somehow live through physically being burned forever. This is MUCH worse.
Like most trauma, I don’t think this is something that any of us will truly ever be “over”. It will always be there in some form or fashion. People that experience abuse early in life are often impacted in some way for the rest of their lives in some manner, though likely with diminishing impact.
Have you tried therapy? It may be that you just need to process this with the help of another person over time. It isn’t always easy to find a good therapist that you work well with at first, but once you find the right person it can really help.
Or, in a more creative way, perhaps you could employ your writing skills as a way to work through your feelings and to get them out of your system and onto the page.
Just some ideas. I wish you well. I know that the cult gave me a false set of expectations that I’ve had to work through in all areas of life, as expectations are just opportunities for disappointment. I do know that things can get better. They have with myself and my wife. We all have to find our own way out though. That way out can be as individual as the lives we lived while in.
Thx for sharing!!
I KNOW I AM SUPER LATE TO THIS (3 YRS LATER) SOMEONE SUGGESTED YOUR PODCAST SHUNNED ON A FACEBOOK GROUP. ONCE I STARTED I KNEW I HAD TO COME LISTEN TO THIS BEFORE I STARTED THAT PODCAST. I GREW UP AS A JW. AND DIDNT LEAVE NTIL I WAS 38. I WAS MARRIED TO AN ABUSER AND I ASKED FOR HELP SO MANY TIMES. ALL THEY DID WAS SAY WE CANT SUPPORT YOU LEAVING. SO WITH THE CLOTHES ON MY BACK I LEFT WITH MY THREE CHILDREN 16-10 YRS OLD. NEVER LOOKED BACK. NOW I HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY MY EX HUSBAND HAS ALSO LEFT ( HE BECAME PART AS AN ADULT) I AM GLAD I DID. MY KIDS ARE HAPPY. NOW HAPPLY MARRIED AND HAVE TWO MORE KIDS. I LOST EVERYTHING. FRIENDS, FAMILY, BUT WE ARE HAPPY NOW. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.